Category Archives: love letters to young girls

For The Swing Set Souls

If you shoved me in the DeLorean and Scrooge’d me into my ten-year-old self, I’m not so sure my side of the playground would be buzzing with activity.

Or swimming with sticky fingers from flavor ice pops. Crackling with sneakers scrubbing pavement.

I’m not so sure you’d run up to me with a jump rope and ask if I could hold one end.

“Please, oh please,” you wouldn’t have said. “We absolutely need your help. Come with me.”

More likely, you’d find me scraping my shoes against a pile of woodchips as I swung back and forth, back and forth, so close to those smiling faces and churning backward all the same.

That go-to interview question pops into my head: “What’s your biggest weakness.”

“Well, sir, you see it’s, um, kind of a funny story. Have you been to Home Depot lately?”

“What?”

“Home Depot, sir. You know those swing sets with striped overhangs and monkey bars? I’m kind of like a swing.”

“You are,” he might say.

Because I am sure that if it were a woman, she would already be pulling her wallet out of her purse and unfolding a photo gallery longer than my forearm. Pictures of her own children pushing each other at the neighborhood playground in her hands.

“A swing,” I’d say. “Yes. I’ve been waiting for too long now like one of those rusty swings cracking and weathered, hoping the store employee might brush his forehead with his orange apron pocket and drag me inside. Out of somebody else’s rainstorm. Away from the back of the pile. Into somebody’s backyard.”

He might not follow, but maybe he will. Maybe he had some swing days of his own, back on the playground, hands tucked inside overall pockets.

I am sort of hoping his childhood years weren’t categorized by foursquare games and knockout championships and getting presidential on the mile run in gym class. I am sort of hoping he got an X for that portion.

Because just like I learned to lace up my sneakers and round a 400-meter track four times, I am ready to stop sitting and pausing and shuffling and waiting and hoping and praying some swing set lover comes over to sit on me. Learning how to take Rooted In Place less metaphorically.

I hope the rest of you Swing Set Souls are, too.

A couple thousand words beyond Goodbye, Goodbye, I Don’t Think I Love You Anymore.

I need to start pocketing tissues for these girls who shouldn’t shed tears.

It seems to be happening too often these days. Like someone is lining them up along my path to class and asking me to dish out It’s Gonna Be OKs and Don’t You Worry, Darlings for all these sad souls.

And I don’t even know why they’re crying. Don’t even know why the tears are littering their cheekbones. All I know is that it’s too much.

Too much for the library bathroom stall next to mine. Too much for the snotty mess of I’ve Just Got A Cold that keeps cropping up every time I enter an empty restroom.

Every time I’m least expecting a puddle of tears and a bucket of I’m Sorrys, she’s there.

She’s standing at the sink now, blowing her nose like she’s fine, just fine. But I know she’s not supposed to be in here at all. Not supposed to be stringing misery along like it’s a dog she keeps walking because her neighbors paid her while they’re on vacation.

It’s a funny feeling, this happiness that sits in my stomach while everyone around me is drudging up memories of vocabulary terms learned in January and geometry proofs memorized over spring break. It feels wrong, so very wrong, to be singing behind ear buds to my very own Pandora station.

The soundtrack of my life. Playing softly in a silent library. One story above this sniffling girl.

One story past this crying in public restrooms. Two chapters later. A couple thousand words beyond Goodbye, Goodbye, I Don’t Think I Love You Anymore.

But my time here is not long enough to place pick-me-ups along her daily route. On the bus seat she always slides into. On the desk her elbows sometimes lean upon. On the library shelf her fingertips trace as she searches for the book with all the answers.

The book to reset her broken heart. The essay to reaffirm her shaken soul.

I know she won’t find what she’s looking for in this library. Won’t want to listen to the same Pandora station anymore. Might need a mixtape that sounds a bit like mine.

Happy. New. Reassured.

Maybe a handful of brightly-colored tissue packs to pair with it, stuck in places she always visits. The side pocket of her Jansport back pack. Her bedroom desk drawer. Her shower caddy and linen closet.

Leave her a few tissues and bright words where she least expects it.

It is a hard lesson, learning the time is dwindling on this proactive approach to bridging others’ heartbreak with my own words.

But I know this – someone else will be in the adjacent bathroom stall next time, and she will surely know what words this brokenhearted girl needs to hear. 

Postage Stamps & Papers In Red Radio Flyer Wagons

At seven years old, she traveled our quarter-mile neighborhood with printed articles from the Encarta 97 CD-ROM.

She towed a red Radio Flyer wagon with a thick black metal handle, the stapled papers stuck together and flying about whenever the wagon rocketed down the hill.

She went from door to door like that, asking our neighbors if somebody might buy an article for a school project or some light reading over breakfast. When asked why she was doing this, she only hrumphed and blew her straight bangs out of her eyes and told them what’d happened.

She’d knocked her mother’s favorite vase to the ground, running into the end table atop which it sat. And now, she was 70 dollars in the red, trying to figure out how she might pay for her mistake.

It has become one of those stories, the ones we carry with ourselves when we forget where we came from and wonder how we’ll ever maintain that same level of ownership over our mistakes. How we’ll rectify situations gone terribly, terribly wrong.

Now, that wagon sits in our shed, collecting dust and termite holes and spider webs. The CD-ROM has long been tossed in favor of Wikipedia’s instant answers.

Now, she has learned to Google her problems before ever stepping foot onto that white concrete and trudging up the slow, lazy incline behind our house.

And so have we. So have I. So have you.

We have mastered the art of the non-apology, the half-hearted I’m Sorrys that sprinkle themselves liberally atop everyone else’s payback sundaes. We double the scoop size, ask for extra whipped cream, beg for a little more hot fudge.

But never, oh never, do we mark out thank-you notes for the ones who forgave us. Never do we spend six hours selling words, even if they are someone else’s words, to make our thankfulness more clear.

For twenty-two years, I could write you a thank-you note, but it wouldn’t be for you so much as Anyone, Anyone At All who asked for one.

And then, this winter, I learned. I started small, with the people I knew I could write to, the ones who were long overdue. And then it grew harder. The ones I’d been avoiding, the ones I knew deserved it but couldn’t find the words.

I did not write a hundred or two hundred or three thousand. But I wrote twenty-three. And those twenty-three people made my heart swell with their gratitude. They were my life-changers, my world-shakers, my biggest supporters.

And yet I had met only a handful of them face-to-face. Had shaken only a few of their hands. Had cried on several shoulders.

What a beautiful world we live in, where we can scour Wikipedia for every answer and never have to cart a wagon full of paper around in apology. What a sad world we live in, where we never have to write a real thank-you note.

The world needs more of them. Hannah Katy will tell you that. And so will hundreds of others. Hundreds who have felt the tears streaming down their faces when they get a letter in return. Who have spent half the afternoon sobbing over the kindness of someone they haven’t hugged in far too long.

If you are searching for your answer, your moment of gratitude, it is this—a pen and a piece of paper and a postage stamp.

She would beg you to learn how to light the sky.

I can see her out there, fingertips wrapped around a red metal bucket, waiting in the February cold for a generous stranger to believe in her grandchildren the way she does.

Cissy. The woman for whom Ester was not enough.

Cissy. The woman for whom vegetables were just in the way of chocolate.

Cissy. The woman for whom the front row of the dance recital was too far away.

Cissy. The woman named after Christ.

But only after this world realized she deserved a little recognition for the blood, sweat and tears she poured into her dedication to people who drove her wild.

You see, her first name was Ester.

Ester like the star. The light guiding home. The twinkle in the night sky that reminds us she’s gone, so far gone, but still standing in my bedroom in Virginia, making me cry on a wild Wednesday morning.

The story goes she risked her life to save her people.

But she is more than a story. She is more than a name in a Bible we forget to dig up sometimes.

Oh, how much more she is.

She is standing in front of Virginia, hands on her hips, telling her that these tears falling from her eyes are just signs she cares about this little old world with problems too big to be tackled by a small girl.

She is standing in front of Virginia. Standing in Virginia. In Virginia’s smile and Virginia’s passion and Virginia’s loud personality.

She stands Elsewhere, too.

If this world could hand us light bulbs and tie them to strings and wait for them to fly into the sky and illuminate it, she would stand at the front of the line, wrapping electricity in her palms.

She would beg you to learn how to light the sky. Teach you to yell from the front of the auditorium. Coax you into believing in the power of tough, unapologetic love.

She would teach you about the world you thought you knew well. Would show you a thing or two about miracles, about bread turned into food for thousands, about freckles that paint pictures on your eyelids when you go to sleep at night.

She would teach you all of this from Elsewhere.

The Elsewhere we all wait for, hope to find at the end of a long life.

The end of a short one, too.

We stand in the shadow of her light. Her expiration date on earth means nothing but a little more time for everything she deserved after giving all she had.

She is up there. In Elsewhere. Stringing light bulbs atop our broken hearts, painting the glass in our church windows, illuminating paths we can’t yet see.

She is in so many places. In Virginia. By my side. On the street corners with a red bucket for donations. In the blue house. In the back of the cul-de-sac.

She is in the whispers that it will be OK. More than OK, baby, if you can’t find everyone an Elsewhere they’re happy with. If you can’t be there to save the world.

My Friendship Manifesto

Over the years, I have watched the push and pull of friendship. This is what I know and what I believe. In fifty years, it may be different.

MY FRIENDSHIP MANIFESTO

I believe in group text messages.

I believe in saying “best friend” and meaning it. In sitting in diners with a cold cup of hot tea for two hours.

I believe in answering the phone at two a.m. At four a.m. I believe in listening, no questions asked, to the voice on the other end of the line.

I believe in emergency meetups and gas money and thank you notes just because. I believe in virtual hugs and smiley face emoticons and email rants and Words With Friends games that go on just so you can stay close while far away.

I believe in sleepovers and Skype sessions and silly quizzes from beauty magazines. Inside jokes with origins long forgotten.

The feeling you get when you’ve missed this thing, this place, so bad that your heart aches when you return.

The split entrée. The designated driver. The one who agrees, reluctantly, to put the bumpers up at the bowling alley.

I believe in games from Target. Games in Target. Loud music and wet cheeks.

The feeling you get when someone knows what you need — even if you don’t.

I believe in reaching for the phone before it rings and more-than-obligatory congratulations and the communal sadness when It Doesn’t Work Out.

I believe in three a.m. meteor showers and spontaneous road trips to the beach and theoretical plots to egg houses in redemption.

I believe in writing their hearts onto these pages.

I believe there’s no designated time for friendship, no opportune moment for catastrophe.

If you are on the ground, hugging your knees, with no will to live, you call me for one reason. For ten thousand reasons. For a human voice on the other end of the line.

I believe in faith where there is none, in encouraging special talents, in nominating someone for what they deserve.

I believe in friendship that’s not half-baked but fresh out of the oven. Cookies saran wrapped and plated for the new neighbor.

I believe in giving generous servings of it, this little thing called friendship, hoping someone might return the favor.

Mostly, though, I believe in the kind that stays with you through all the awkward stages of growing up until you are ready — eager, even — to repay that favor.